


Fall from Grace

by Burningchaos



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-11
Updated: 2014-02-11
Packaged: 2018-01-11 23:29:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1179224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burningchaos/pseuds/Burningchaos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Very old fic from 2005  </p><p>This is a story for <span class="ljuser i-ljuser"></span><a class="i-ljuser-profile" href="http://shippygem.livejournal.com/profile"><img class="i-ljuser-userhead"/></a><a class="i-ljuser-username" href="http://shippygem.livejournal.com/"></a><b>shippygem</b> she asked me to make her cry. I hope this works. Happy Birthday again hon…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fall from Grace

 

_You never could catch me when I fall_  
Blood pours from scraped knees and palms  
Grit and grime burns in every cut  
You questioned me and walked away  
Your words censored my every choice and action  
The darkness in me frightens you  
It was too much for you to bear  
I thought you were the one; I looked to you to save me  
Now the tears I cry bring no relief  
Chaos has taken root inside me, devouring my soul  
The night has become endless and consuming  
If you looked at me I appear all right  
The cracks and fissures never show  
Crumbling the world falls as destruction now shadows my every step

He felt trapped; he was sinking fast and there was no use struggling. It was like quicksand, the harder he tried to escape the worse it got. He didn’t know how to fix the problem though, because he didn’t know the question. He was the smartest man in two galaxies, so it wasn’t as if a lack of intelligence was the issue. Intelligence didn’t matter if he didn’t know the question. He desperately wanted to know the question because this half-life he was living right now was destroying him.

He couldn’t help but wonder if this was still about trust or the lack thereof. If this was a test of some sort, he refused to fail. Failing wasn’t even an option. John was everything he ever wanted. Everything he never thought he could have. He had been so very empty and alone, he hadn’t even known exactly how much until John. The first time they had kissed the knowledge slammed into him leaving him as breathless as John’s kiss. That night, as they fell onto the bed, for the first time he had felt wanted, worshiped. He hadn’t woken up feeling like he had been like a substitute or a fall back fuck. Now he was staggered by the emptiness he felt. Everything being with John had chased away was slowly seeping back in.

Rodney wrapped his arms around himself and shuddered as the cold wind bit through his clothing. The harsh grey skies and forming rain would soon drive him inside. Turning his back to the ocean that was as tumultuous as his emotions, he sighed. Lately he’d felt the need for solitude. There was a driving need to escape from all the sympathetic looks and questioning eyes. It was as if everyone could see his life was falling apart, that he was hovering on the edge of a precipice and his balance was failing.

Rodney entered the city; the soft, cool blue had always been oddly soothing, although now even the small comforts were no longer what they once were. Since Doranda things had begun to change, and they had continually become worse. After the last mission it had become unbearable. Rodney knew he had messed up again, he just wasn’t sure how. Now John was cold and distant. Almost cruel.

“Rodney.” He heard John call his name and was startled. “I was looking for you.” John reached out and cupped Rodney’s elbow. He couldn’t help but shiver. John’s voice and tone had changed, too. He seemed to be more mocking and contemptuous as he spoke. The voice that had once filled him with warmth and desire now chilled him to the bone. There was no more joy, no more laughter. Rodney braced himself for the pain he knew was coming. John had been so abrasive on the few occasions they had spoken.

“I needed some fresh air.” He hated that he sounded so hollow and that the joy was gone from his voice too.

John snorted as he lead Rodney to the transporter, “When have you ever wanted fresh air? Hell, McKay, you think ‘outside’ is a dirty word.” The words slammed into Rodney. “You would be perfectly happy to hole up in your lab and think about nothing but your geek toys.” Rodney didn’t say a word, he bit his lip and just let the words wash over him. John was telling the truth, but he had changed. He wanted to be on the team, he liked being off world no matter how much he complained. John’s hand was still wrapped around his elbow as they headed toward Rodney’s quarters.

“John?” The scientist was puzzled because in the last two weeks John had avoided being alone with him like the plague. It ripped him apart to daily see John turning away from him or always finding an excuse to be anywhere but in the same room with him. They hadn’t made love, kissed or even touched. He had missed it, the soft touch of John’s hand on his body, the casual touches in public. The intimacy they had developed seemed as far away as Earth was.

“I think we need to talk. I have a few things I need to say, and I think it needs to be done in private.” John’s face was an unreadable mask as he followed Rodney and watched him silently sit down on his bed. Panic welled up inside Rodney, he could feel his heart pounding and he knew; he just knew he didn’t want to hear anything John had to say.

John leaned against Rodney’s desk and, as he crossed his arms over his chest, he began. ” Here is the thing, McKay. I am tired of being treated like an ass because I want out. You keep following me with your sad eyes and kicked puppy look. I have had enough. This wasn’t supposed to be a real relationship. It was just sex. You weren’t supposed to fall in love with me and for fuck’s sake I never wanted to hear it.”

John’s words sliced through him like a scalpel leaving him bleeding from a wound no one would be able to see. He couldn’t breathe as he watched John’s mouth moving. He no longer heard the words, all he saw was the posture and how this all seemed so trivial to the man he thought loved him.

“Hey, McKay, are you listening?” John snapped his finger’s in front of his face bringing the world back into focus. He looked up and John continued. “I told Elizabeth I wanted you transferred off my team. She had no trouble sticking you back in the lab; she didn’t even question my asking. So I’ll see you around.” John stood up and left. He just walked out. That was all Rodney could think as he slid to the floor and shattered.

This kind of loss was foreign to him; he had never been laid bare and found so lacking before. But then he had never cared like this before. Rodney cradled his head in his hands as sobs ripped through his body. He would have given anything to have not known the question; to be able to go back and beg John to lie to him just a little longer. To take back the words he had spoken softly in the dark, words he had never told anyone before. John didn’t want him anymore. How was he supposed to let go? Was he just supposed to turn off everything he felt? He was alone. That was all he could think about, how it always came back to that. He was alone. Rodney’s sobs filled the room, echoing off the walls, as he slowly rocked back and forth seeking the comfort he no longer knew where to find.

John leaned his head against the door, it was taking every ounce of restraint to not go running back into that room and tell Rodney it was a lie. That he loved him and beg for forgiveness. John felt himself begin to falter, and he turned and ran. He ran to a transporter and hit the button thinking about nothing but being alone. When the doors opened into a darkened hallway he ran again, chased by the sounds of his lover breaking down. Falling into an empty room, John slammed his fists on the floor. He was splintering, changing and he did what he knew he had to do. He had cut Rodney out; pushed all the right buttons, destroying himself as he destroyed the only man he ever loved.

John curled up into a ball and cried for the first time since his mother died. He just kept telling himself over and over it had to be done. As the leathery and reptilian blue skin on his arm began to itch again, it only served to remind him why.


End file.
